Whenever I come upon some extra money I like to gamble. No, not in Wendover, Reno or Las Vegas, Nevada. I like to gamble in the stock market. Yesterday in my inbox was an email from my favorite sexy social commentator Ann Coulter. Yeah, she’s controversial but I like blonds, what can I say.
The email I got was entitled, “My #1 Way to Profit as Obama Destroys Capitalism,” by Ann Coulter. Wow I thought, how patriotic would that be for me to personally profit from the destruction of my country. I wanted in on the action but, as before, I always contact my financial advisor before making any leaps of faith.
You may recall my cousin Vinnie (boy did I get a tongue lashing for misspelling his name in one of my past columns.) As an aside, I can’t tell you his last name because he’s been in the witness relocation program for years and he is a marked man. He’s slowed down a little and is a ways into his retirement but still pretty sharp.
For instance, when I received an offer for box seats at the Utah Buzz games for $7, he reminded me we only pay six as senior citizens and we sit anywhere we want. He may be old but he’s still remembers how to make money-by not spending it.
“Vinnie you tight wad, what do you think of this deal?” I wrote in the body of the message I forwarded to him. “You upset and disgust me,” he wrote back. He didn’t clarify why I upset and disgusted him so I wrote back and in turn received the following reply.
“Well, its amazing that she’s shilling for a financial advisor. What the (bad word) does she know about the economy and investing? As far as I know, she’s never even ventured an opinion. The guy she’s selling, wonder if he’s as portrayed. Could be a mini Madoff.” “Wouldn’t that be cool,” I responded.
“Boy you sure don’t listen very well,” he said. I thought golly I’m only a few years younger than he is and he’s calling me boy. No sooner than the thought came into my head I received yet another email from Vinnie.
“For crying out loud this is the last time I am going to explain this to you,” he said. “The basis of all this horse pucky is still “Reganonmics.”
“ Reganonmics?” I asked. “Basic principal being that a rising tide lifts all boats. If government takes good care of the wealthy (tax reduction, no regulation ) then all will eventually benefit. Supply side eco is related….take care of the producers and demand will take care of itself,” Vinnie explained.
“Sounds like a good thing to me,” I cautiously offered. “You ninny, how is this all working out for us?? Huge structural deficit (before anything that Obama passed), stagnant or declining wages over the last decade and even a flat stock market since 1998,” Vinnie concluded.
I was tempted to dismiss my friends advice I was so taken in by Ann’s rhetoric (and smile): “I hope, you would think twice about trusting your retirement savings to someone who secretly despised — or simply didn’t understand — the free-market capitalist system that makes profits and prosperity possible,” Ann writes.
But as I was milling her words and Vinnie’s advice around in my head I had an epiphany. I certainly wasn’t making any profits in my small stock “gambling” portfolio nor was I any more prosperous than I was at the beginning of George’s reign. The guys that were more prosperous than the rest of us were under indictment, going to jail or killing themselves I realized.
Next time I receive an email from Ms. Coulter with financial advice I’m going send it directly to my junk mail folder so I’m not tempted. “Junk mail sounds so much like junk bonds,” I muttered as I fell to sleep.