Boy am I embarrassed. After Chipper read my editorial, “Philpot Doesn’t Stand a Chance,” he called me up and bitched me out because I failed to include Morgan Philpot’s law school degree as reason to vote for him. Seems Mr. Philpot got his attorney’s merit badge at Ave Maria Catholic Law School in Michigan, now relocated in the sun soaked city of Naples, Florida.
But once again I am confused because the information Chipper yelled at me suggests that Ave Maria is really a Law Seminary. Regardless of its liturgical implications, I wonder if Morgan’s studies qualify for him a double major, thus making Morgan eligible for two merit badges.
Evidently Ave, as distinguished alumni refer to their former school, recently are taken to calling its law school a “religious” institution in order to avoid a law suit by some disgruntled former professors. In fact, I think they are calling them bad names by referring to them as “ministerial employees,” whatever that means.
In the law suit, the school (besides calling their professors bad names) is absolutely insisting they are entitled to “ecclesiastical abstention.” I am not an expert on ecumenical law but this suggests to me that their employees should be abstaining from groping the choir boys and isn’t that a good thing? Looks like I am going to have to call Chipper back up but, because of the time change between Salt Lake City and Kuala Lumpur, I’ll have to wait.
Regardless of the lawsuit’s outcome I feel Morgan is entitled to two merit badges. If I was his Scout Master I would also make him an “Order of the Arrow,” member since he is into cheerful service and brotherhood. Given Morgan’s propensity to forget about “birth control,” he would thus have a lot more common with our very own Gayle Ruzicka, President of the Eagle Forum.
You may remember the Eagle Forum but if you have forgotten, they arrived on our shores before the Pilgrims ran aground on Plymouth Rock, so they are the forefathers of our Tea Party. Both groups want to return us to the paradise of the late 1700’s sans spiffy hats.
I really do not want to talk anymore about the Eagle Beagles but would like to return to Morgan and the Boy Scouts, specifically the Boy Scout Oath and the sacred Scout Laws that Mr. Philpot and I once abided by. My memory is a little sketchy on the specifics and I doubt Chipper is even going to answer the phone today so here goes.
“Boy Scout oath: On my honor I will do my best, to do my duty to God, and my country and to obey the Scout laws (12 step program for adolescents), to help other people at all times, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.”
I know Chipper is going to disagree but I feel Eagle Scout Morgan was fibbing a few of his lines in that oath. First, the part about a scout’s duty to ones God and country says that: “Natural resources are another important part of America’s heritage worthy of your efforts to understand, protect, and use wisely.”
As a member of Utah’s “conservative” caucus Morgan has been doing the exact opposite. You would think all scouts would want to fight Global Warming, drilling in the Arctic and Tar Sands, in any way they could as well as legislating for clean air and water. You would think that would include supporting our duly elected President Barack Obama too.
Secondly, the part about helping people out at all times would mean Morgan would be for Universal Health Care, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, LGBT civil rights and Immigration Reform with Amnesty for immigrants who were exploited by many people and businesses for years.
All this writing about Morgan has me waxing sentimentally for the Boy Scouts. I do not know about Mr. Philpot but I want to leave my campsite cleaner, safer and stronger than when I got here. I think Morgan’s former 3 finger salut has become a one finger salut. Too bad, but I bet Chipper is going to disagree.